Victory

Fisting scares me. Even the thought of it scares me. But that hasn't stopped me trying it.

I tried it once, very early on in my relationship with Mr L. That was a whopping two years ago (wow - two years - how did that happen?!). I wanted to do it mainly for him to be honest. Because I knew how much he wanted to try it, how much it turned him on. He was gentle, and he worked me up to it, and the results were... confusing. I squirted for the first time ever, which was pretty amazing, but the whole experience was beset with anxiety. I kept pleading with him - nearly pleading for him to stop and then changing my mind and just leaving my pleas half-finished. It was hot but stressful. The fact is, I didn't really trust him back then - I barely knew him. And we didn't have that rapport. It felt like too much control to surrender - how could I trust him to stretch me like that? He could damage me. Such a helpless position to be in. I remember distinctly the moment he had told me his whole fist was inside me. I had known it anyway, really, from the sensations, but it was something about coming face to face with that fact that scared me. my muscles clenched painfully. Apparently I squeezed his hand very hard. It was too much for me - I couldn't wait for it to be over.

Fast forward two years, and a LOT of water has passed under the bridge. I'm hooded, shackled with a spreader bar and tied to the bed. He has left my boots on. And we're going back there together for the first time since that experience. So what has changed?

Preparation
The way Mr L and I tend to negotiate is through shared and constructed fantasy. We've talked about this activity a lot, and through our scheming and dreaming we have gradually shared with one another the exact nature of my fears, the ways in which he could make it easier or harder for me during the process, the crux of what turns him on, what I want to get out of it, how he will know if I want him to stop, and further goals for us, which may just remain fantasy but I know he will threaten.

Preparation
I'm mentally prepared this time. I'm not doing it for him - this isn't a favour. I have found the path to this through my own desires. I want it for me. I want it because it turns me on. I haven't suddenly developed a kink for it: offer me a random fist attached to a random person and I'd rather have a cup of tea and put my feet up, but I want this with him. The place my desire is coming from is my submission. I want to please him in this extraordinary and challenging way - I want my body to give in to him in every way he wants it to. I want to traverse the mental assault course I will encounter as it happens. I want to fold the confusing tesseract of my feelings into a place where I can relax for him and let it happen. I want to give him that trust.

Preparation
This is definitely the long game. Physically this has been the very slow workup. His tongue and his hands and his cock and his toys have all played their part this afternoon in getting me to the point where I can do this, where he can do this to me. He's given me several orgasms already to warm up. I know what he wants, I know what we are doing, but I find it easier to have the choice taken away from me. The reason I can't see, the reason I am tied up, is to make it easier for me. There is no dilemma - there is nothing left to do but relax. He has been rough with me already today, and so when he speaks to me gently now, now when I am vulnerable and scared, it is even more soothing. The submissive in me simpers, grateful for the reprieve, eager to continue to please. I am ready.

I suppose you want to know the result as well? Holy fuck. Holy fuck is the result. Full of words as I am, I don't have many to describe how it felt - the rollercoaster slipslide of sensation and mental confusion is difficult to name, to pin down. It felt wonderful and terrible and exciting. And I felt like crying when I heard the pride in his voice when he was calling me his good girl.

Now? I'm doing as many kegel exercises as I possibly can. My god it makes things feel different down there! I'll be back to normal again soon, though. *clench*