There are some things that mortify me in the realms of BDSM. Things that I might be asked to do. Things he has suggested. Even things I've already dipped my toe into a little.
Discounting the things I wouldn't do because they actually offend me, the bulk of things that mortify me do so because my own ego has a problem with them. Hair is a prime example of this. Something Mr L routinely threatens me with is not letting me shave (anywhere, not just my Map of Tasmania). The thought of it mortifies me. I was trying to unpack the reasons behind this, and I concluded that it actually boiled down to one very simple reason. Because I have built it up in my head as a thing that is disgusting, unfeminine and undesirable (hold fire, girls, I actually don't think this about others who don't shave - this is a personal shame. A concept which intrigues me, and I might come back to in another post), I cannot shake the idea that he would find me disgusting, unfeminine and undesirable if I did it for him. I can't shake this underlying fear that giving him what he wants will make him leave me.
Huh. Now where have I heard that before? It sounds like I'm channelling The Rules, here, doesn't it? Although obviously if I was channelling it verbatim, I would be talking about having sex with a man too early on in a relationship, not abandoning my razor as a submissive act of humiliation. But am I withholding pleasure in order to maintain his interest? My perverse attempt at coquettishness?
I don't think so. I think it is more of a case of not trusting that his taste or perception of desirable or attractive can be any different from my own. It's not that I think that giving him what he wants will make him leave me in every case - I don't seem to have this concern over things I enjoy (or enjoy enduring) - things that I trust will satisfy and pleasure him. It seems, more accurately, that I am acting on a fear that giving him what I don't want will make him leave me. Because the him in my head doesn't like it. Because I don't like it. But why am I listening to the imaginary Mr L in my head, rather than the real live flesh and blood Mr L, who has different opinions to me, in fact is an entirely different person? Trust. And habit. But my trust is misplaced. I'm not saying I should trust flesh and blood Mr L blindly - it's a slow process, and one that we are progressing along together - but I should trust him more than the imaginary version. That's the crazy one who is created from my biased viewpoint with a healthy dollop of my own neuroses thrown in.
Again, I smack my forehead as another great and basic realisation dawns on me. I had already started on the road to trusting him enough to tell him the truth at the core of my feelings and reactions. But I'm only just starting to trust him enough to listen to him too: really listen to what he is actually saying rather than what my assumptions thrust upon him are saying.
I'm a slow learner, but I think I'm getting started now.
(Image: the wonderful Amanda Palmer, Map of Tasmania)
Huh. Now where have I heard that before? It sounds like I'm channelling The Rules, here, doesn't it? Although obviously if I was channelling it verbatim, I would be talking about having sex with a man too early on in a relationship, not abandoning my razor as a submissive act of humiliation. But am I withholding pleasure in order to maintain his interest? My perverse attempt at coquettishness?
I don't think so. I think it is more of a case of not trusting that his taste or perception of desirable or attractive can be any different from my own. It's not that I think that giving him what he wants will make him leave me in every case - I don't seem to have this concern over things I enjoy (or enjoy enduring) - things that I trust will satisfy and pleasure him. It seems, more accurately, that I am acting on a fear that giving him what I don't want will make him leave me. Because the him in my head doesn't like it. Because I don't like it. But why am I listening to the imaginary Mr L in my head, rather than the real live flesh and blood Mr L, who has different opinions to me, in fact is an entirely different person? Trust. And habit. But my trust is misplaced. I'm not saying I should trust flesh and blood Mr L blindly - it's a slow process, and one that we are progressing along together - but I should trust him more than the imaginary version. That's the crazy one who is created from my biased viewpoint with a healthy dollop of my own neuroses thrown in.
Again, I smack my forehead as another great and basic realisation dawns on me. I had already started on the road to trusting him enough to tell him the truth at the core of my feelings and reactions. But I'm only just starting to trust him enough to listen to him too: really listen to what he is actually saying rather than what my assumptions thrust upon him are saying.
I'm a slow learner, but I think I'm getting started now.
(Image: the wonderful Amanda Palmer, Map of Tasmania)
From reading your earlier posts, I know you have fears of being abandoned, but, trust me, if he doesn't want you to shave, he will be pleased if you don't shave. You may think it is not feminine but he will think you are obeying him and he will be pleased.
ReplyDeleteSee how he reacts if you tell him that if you are told not to shave, you will throw away your razor. I think he will be very pleased and he will more connected to you.
If you try it, I hope you blog what happens and trust me, that if he tells you to do something, you please him when you do it.
FD
Listening and not jumping to conclusiosn, I think I will always be working on those. Good luck! It is worth it. abby
ReplyDeleteIt's very hard for any of us to step outside ourselves and our beliefs and do another person the justice of believing that he knows his own mind. Pretty arrogant when you think about it, especially as we very often resent others for not giving us enough credit.
ReplyDeleteIf you've been struggling with self-image or self-esteem, it's even more difficult a task - I so recognize your difficulties!
Great post.
That's an interesting challenge. Obeying and trusting in his reactions is one thing. The thing that would challenge me would be my own feelings of being unsexy and repulsive to myself. I think then I would find it impossible to be sexy or submissive at all. If you can overcome this you will have done something amazing.
ReplyDelete