The other is just plain old pain pain: you stub your toe, or have a headache, or suffer a bereavement. It hurts and there is not really anything good about it: pain that is unasked for, unwelcome, unsexy and nonconsensual. No matter how much of a masochist you are, there will always be some pains that fall into this category. I could spend some time talking about the exceptions that fit into this category, such as the mouth ulcer feeling that gives a pleasant tingle when I eat something sharp, or at the other end of the spectrum the experience of spiritual growth through a painful time of life. These accidental benefits are an interesting topic all by themselves but they are not the main purpose of my post today. I will push these types of pain to one side for the moment and focus on the other two.
Oh god yes please don't ever stop doing that
Masochists: you'll back me up on this, right? This is the type of pain that makes you feel like you're flying. The endorphins are rushing, you're getting all hot and aroused and it is just bliss. I'm a greedy little girl when I get this type of pain. I don't want it to end. I just want to continue to float up inside the beautiful feelings that my partner is creating in me. Sometimes I feel like I can see sparks, or it looks like things are glowing. Sounds are different, and so are colours. I feel like his words touch my skin when he talks to me. I am grounded through him: our connection is the thing that tethers me safely.
Oh god no please stop doing that I'll do anything
Submissives: I'm sure that not all of you will agree that this is a welcome sensation, but I suspect some of you will know where I'm coming from on this. I hate this type of pain, but I crave it occasionally. Perhaps part of the attraction is the psychodrama that it delivers alongside the physical sensations. In a safe, negotiated way, I am really able to let loose. This type of pain is not a turn on for me (or, more specifically not in the moment I'm experiencing it) - any previous arousal I will have built up is gone in an instant, as effective as a cold bucket of water. I no longer have a pussy. There is no such thing as sex in my mind any more. All that matters is the pain, and the only thing I care about is the distance between me and whatever I need to do for him to make it stop, to just fucking make it stop. There is something in me that thrives on this experience. I thrive on the fear and the drama, I feel emotionally cleaned out afterwards. It is pure catharsis.
But there is another reason that I distinguish the first from the second types of pain, and that is how I perceive the person who is dishing out the pain. Of course, this is all within the bounds of consent and I would not go there with someone I thought wouldn't respect the boundaries and safe word we set. But there is a large part of me that doesn't want the second type of pain, that would (and does) beg and wheedle and bargain to get out of it. Part of what I crave in the second type of pain is the selfish sadism of the partner who continues despite my pleas. He does it because it arouses him, and he does it because I'll endure it for him. He is not simply ignoring my tears and my pain - he is drinking them in. They make his cock hard. The injustice of that really turns me on. It doesn't turn me on in the moment, but it's something I take with me into the rest of our interactions, and it makes me even hotter for him knowing that he has that inside him, that no matter how much affection and love he has for me, there also lurks a desire to really hurt me, more than I want him to. Of course, I do want him to really - I just need a little convincing.
You may have noticed I ascribed the first type of sensation to the realm of masochists and the second to the realm of submissives. I recognise that these terms are a very blunt tool to dissect this distinction with, but I think some useful generalisations can be drawn. With 'oh god yes' pain, this is very close to how sex works - my partner is directly using sensation to give me pleasure. It's reciprocal - we're both doing something we enjoy - but this is no head fuck. Everyone is clear that this is a good thing. I associate this more with masochism, because in a way, this is more of a topping activity than a domming activity. I'm getting exactly what I want, and he's breaking a sweat to give it to me. With 'oh god no' pain, there is much more going on on a psychological level: it's about power, and it's about sacrifice, and it plays with consent. It's not the sensation that I'm getting off on, and it's not clear who this is really for: me or him (of course it's for both of us, but I find that the line is very blurry until I've come out the other side of the scene).
Why am I pondering the different types of pain at the moment? I had my first paingasm recently. It was absolutely amazing. That, and... well... Mr L is threatening me with something pretty horrible at the moment. I found myself so aroused for him when I'm squirming about it but still desperate to talk him out of it! My emotions are pretty mixed about it - I hope to god he's only teasing.
I think.
"Part of what I crave in the second type of pain is the selfish sadism of the partner who continues despite my pleas. He does it because it arouses him, and he does it because I'll endure it for him. He is not simply ignoring my tears and my pain - he is drinking them in."
ReplyDeleteThis is brilliant. i certainly agree with Your distinction, as well as the fact that the "i'll do anything to make it stop" sort of pain is usually only possible in the context of a Dominant who (lovingly!) pushes the sub beyond her/his boundaries.
Paingasm: yes, it's happened to me, too! As You said, though the pain seems to be just that -- pain, and nothing pleasurable -- sometimes there's this jolt and then...a wave of pleasure. i think that's one of the most incredible things for me, how the "oh god, make it stop" pain, if endured long enough, can turn to pleasure, and the "oh god make it stop" level is ramped up another notch, and another, and another :). Whether psychological or physiological or spiritual, i cannot say. i only know that it happens.
Finally, i love that You mentioned those sorts of pain that just _aren't_ pleasurable, like stubbing one's toe, but that some, (like the mouth ulcer, and YES, that's happened to me!!) are. i'm not a doctor, but perhaps it has something to do with the duration. With the toe stub, the pain probably intensifies and subsides long before the endorphins have a chance to dull it, whereas a long, steady pain like the ulcer has time to kick up the endorphins a notch, as well as perhaps tell the brain that "these neurons are being a little bit bitchy, so let's shut them out as best we can and give them chocolate." :)
i really enjoyed Your post!
Humbly,
Her toy
J,
ReplyDeleteI think this is one of the most lucid and useful analyses of pain in a D/s dynamic that I've seen. Well done.
J-
ReplyDeletethis may inspire a post (if so I'll link back) of my own... but I really enjoyed this. Very well contemplated and stated.
I identify as both a masochist and a service submissive... and it's interesting because I feel like the intent of the Top is as important as the identity of the bottom. I know when Mistress is burning me with Her cigarette, grilling me on the names of streets I should have learned, that She is punishing me as Her submissive for not completing a task. Her intent of punishment causes the psychological flip for me to "i'll do anything to make Her stop (and please Her)."
However, if the same cigarette was used against my skin after a heavy flogging and "that's My good girl" whispered in my ear.... Now, that's a "please don't stop" sort of pain for me, though it's the same sensation i would have done anything to stop previously. These are the times Mistress intends to use pain as reward.
You've got my brain moving too early this morning... It'll be pondering my relationship with pain until it dies at lunchtime ;-)
xo m.
Thanks very much Her toy - I really enjoyed your comment. Glad to know I'm not the only one who is wired that way!
ReplyDeleteJaneway - thank you, that means a lot.
Mina - that's true it's also about context/intent as well as the sensation and type of pain. We are very complicated beasts!
Jx
Ooops, I meant to come tell you I had posted about your post but I forgot! My bad!
ReplyDeleteVery well done! (From someone else that thinks about pain way too much!) :)
ReplyDeleteFor me, too, it is the *context* in which pain is given and received that makes all the difference. This includes his intent in giving it, and mine in receiving it. The same pain can be bliss, or simply endured in order to suffer for him or suffer thru it, depending on how it is delivered, my own emotional space at the time, or when and where it is delivered.
ReplyDeleteVery well written. As others have noted, it may inspire a post of my own.
You have perfectly described the feelings of my g/f-sub-bottom.
ReplyDeleteI particularly relish the 3rd kind ;). Our most recent experience was in a lovely dungeon in london that involved our first electroplay. I had been resisting it- but agreed to try it. Omg - watching and hear her twitching and moans building to struggling and screaming....... I was in heaven, roaring with delight and, even better, so was she, in between the pain shots. Absolutely mind blowing and something we're foun explore further. It pushes her fear and trust barriers in exactly the right power play way. ;)
I've never really been into the pain thing, but a good friend of mine is. She has expressed a lot of the same opinions that you have here. I guess if I ever decided to give it a try, I would know exactly where to look for a partner, as my friend has displayed some attraction to me.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting article and I look forward to exploring your blog further.